Power Exchange or Power Struggle? What is the difference between power exchange and a power struggle in my, or any, D/s relationship? I will start by saying that sometimes I cannot tell. This is the truth of it. Power exchange to me hinges on consent, trust, alignment versus resistance, and psychological harmony between my submission and A’s dominance. I have chosen to surrender power – in service, physically, obediently, and in vulnerability – with clear consent, where A has afforded much time and tenderness to the latter. And in this, we both know the fundamental terms on which our evolving dynamic is built, and in this sense I feel and respect them intensely. There is always, and will always be, room for improvement on my part, and at times power exchange may bleed into power struggle. I this wilful defiance on my part? I do not yet know, and only time and patterns of behaviour will reveal. When power exchange works, when it aligns in feeling and consent, in spite of pain, or difficulty, there’s a deep sense of connection and fulfillment, symbiosis and connection. This is the ideal I want, it’s who I am. I have come to trust that A will wield her tender power with care, even when her most primal instincts take over, her erotic control, discipline, and intent of humiliation raging through her like a fire. When true power exchange is dominant, my submission dissolves but not erases my ego, owning and affirming it, a gift from A that is like no other feeling. My being distilled and refined into submission by Her white hot power, I feel seen and secure, cradled by Her primal control and caresses of pain. As already mentioned, in these early days, I feel guilty when power exchange feels like it transforms into power struggle, the shame of my reactivity disrupting the harmony of our instinctual and rightful balance of domination and submission. I cannot always put into words the feelings I have when this pushback occurs, such forces difficult to name, which only adds to the dissonance of power between us. This resistance is not solely externally expressed, my internal struggles causing me insufferable pain and guilt from which comes no joy. Bit when recognised as such, do these feelings bring growth, ultimately beneficial to the power exchange? What drives my moments of rebellious struggle? Perceived unmet needs? Not feeling heard? Not being seen, or perhaps a perceived vulnerability in my safe space? In these moments is my submission real, authentic, or does it shift into performance, no longer instinctually embodying submission? Perhaps. The truth of it is that I don’t know, it’s not always clear. I’m still finding the edges. What I do know are the familiar feelings of resentment, anxiety, and confusion, and the power dissonance that emerges from these feelings. It is not right to ask whether these feelings are justified, as they are feelings, and as such are not, if ever, in full control of their host. What these feelings, justified or not, can create is an atmosphere whereby saying “no” can become intolerably difficult, my fear of a relational cost looming large, posing yet another threat to the harmony of our primal power exchange. When I react, it is not out of brattiness, but because I am brushing up against perceived unilateral power, such as, say, not being heard and rigidity, leading to a grinding of our dynamic rather than flow. As an s-type, this disharmony feels like I am being bent out of rather than unfolding into my submission, and my development as a submissive. Even in these moments of internal dissent I of course want to submit, but at the same time feel compelled to resist. My submission bent and contorted out of shape. Some of this may also be my “quiet” PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) at work, a special bonus that comes with my ASD, which too often alienates me from communities I wish to inhabit. I will eventually write about this latter condition in more detail. The question for me Is, how do I overcome these feelings and perceptions, ones where I question whether surrender is aligned with my values and identity? And by extension, can I easily communicate boundaries without fear? These questions are bound to so many aspects of who I am as a person, and how our combined personas merge, combine, and settle into a healthy, instinctual power exchange.